Amanda Palmer

I know Amanda Palmer is brilliant. Do you know Amanda Palmer is brilliant?

I hope you watched that and now you know Amanda Palmer is brilliant. You may also enjoy the fact that she and writer of comics, books, TV shows (and studly gent) Neil Gaiman are to be wed. Here is a photo courtesy of Coilhouse:

Yet another reason to love Amanda Palmer. For reference see also:

Tags: gratuitous picture, marriage, music, Musics What I Like

More Star Trek Beta Keys

Us chaps have been trying to get beta keys for Star Trek Online keys all over the place (because we’re giant geeks), and have ended up with a few more than we need.

Ado kindly gave out a spare a couple of days ago, but we have another two to give out. All you need to do is add a comment to this post. The first folks to comment will get the keys unless you’re one of our filthy spam posters, then we’ll continue blocking you so hard!. If you added a comment to the last beta giveaway post, sorry but we’re going to have to ask you to comment again. It’s only a few words!

I’ll be posting a quick overview of the game shortly, in the mean time it’s a birthday weekend, so drinks abound. Never fear though, I’ll get your keys out post-haste.

As a pleading side note, if you’ve managed to find us for a key please have a poke around the site and send us an email at neil[at]stuporcollider[dot]com or post a comment. We appreciate anyone who wants to join in! Good luck…

Tags: Free Star trek Online, games, Star Trek Beta, Star Trek Online, Star Trek online Beta Key, Star Trek Open Beta

Star Trek Online Beta Key Available

Hey everyone, well it took me two days to get a free Open Beta key for the new Star Trek MMORPG and now it seems they’ve given me two. It seems just desserts for my filling in of registrations and trawling the net.

However, I’m just not that greedy, so if anyone wants it the first person to post a comment requesting this key will be rewarded with the fruits of my happenstance (you’ll get the spare key).

Can’t say fairer than that…

Tags: games, Star Trek Beta Key, Star Trek Online, Star Trek Open Beta

Sex Robots [The Let's Keep SC Banned Edition]

Well the filter at my workplace already blocks this site for promoting hate speech I figure I’ll get all this kinda stuff out of my system. Let me tell you a story…

There once was a man called Douglas Hines who worked for Bell Labs developing AIs (I’m guessing that means those automated telephone call answer jobs) and had a very good friend. Mr. Hines very good friend had the unfortunate luck to be killed during the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center. Mr. Hines was very upset by this and vowed to maintain her personality as an AI and set about creating his memorial to a dead friend. Not wanting to leave his friend as a disembodied voice he chose to make her a body. Out of vinyl. With three different orifices. And called it Foxxxy.

I’ll lay odds on this being Chinese whispers, but did you know at the annual AVN Adult Entertainment Expo (the trade show that runs opposite CES so the journalists have something to do except look silly in 3d glasses) a company unveiled what they call a ‘sex robot’? Like most horrific sex products it looks like somebody who died during drastic facial surgery and like most ‘robots’ not built by a Japanese Heavy Industry or MIT, it can’t move it’s dead, fleshy limbs and really just talks. In a weird computer voice.

They have built a plowable Steven Hawking.

With typical class Fox News (who have just hired Failin’ Pailin’) leads their article with ‘Nerds and geeks can breathe a sigh of relief: The world’s first life-size robotic girlfriend is finally here.’ As a geek and erstwhile nerd, I can safely say I will not be putting my junk anywhere near this thing. Ado might think about it though.

Plenty of spots on the internet have picked this up, and they all seem to corroborate the worrying 9/11 story. Whilst you sit and cry about how the future isn’t working out like you thought it would, see Foxxxy in action:

Pretty NSFW

Tags: hideous sex toys, robots, steven hawking, the singularity will suck

Candiru – 1 – Emergence

I like B-Movies.

A lot.

Probably more than ‘actual’ movies. To this end my effort in the great ‘Stuporcollider Literary Challenge’ will hopefully feel a little like the b-movie. Perhaps with less cheesy dialogue but who knows.

I like Emo.

A bit.

But as the token emo of the group I have to ‘rep for my hood.’ Or whatever it is the kids are saying these days. To this end I will probably have drawn out introspectives from the somewhat emo protaganist. Bear with them, there will be killings aplenty right after.

Ultimately, it’s going to be an allegory for attitudes towards sex, relationships, promiscuity and gender roles, through the time honoured medium of monster gore fest.

So without further adieu, I give you Chapter One of:

Candiru

Emergence

Gutteral.

That’s the only way she can describe how he sounds. No trace of the jovial lilt she loves, it’s all been replaced by the low rumblings that now emanate from him.

“Please Bek.” He sounds like he’s in pain. Struggling to fight. “Go.”

Wisps of terror start to tug at her, pulling her all the way awake. She sits up sharply, her unfamiliar surroundings adding to her ill feeling.

She remains sat upright, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the blankets of darkness around them; all the time aware of his frantically increasing movements.

“Jon? Honey, what’s wrong?”

In reply he lets out another animal cry, his back arched in a grotesque parody of a spine. As she watches she’s almost certain she can see a ridge begin to form just below his neck.

She feels bubbles of panic start to rise, threatening to engulf her; confusion and anxiety eating at her. She looks around the room, her night vision starting to give her focus, and sees her scattered clothes discarded at the side of the bed closest to her. They remind her of the night before, a night that had seemed to take so long to arrive but had been worth every moment of nervous waiting; moments that now feel so far away.

His foot brushes hers, startling her from her reverie. His foot feels unnaturally hot against her skin and stirs her to movement.

She slides her feet slowly over the side of the bed, and stands. As she extends one toned leg into her underwear she glances back at Jon. What she sees terrifies her. Tendrils of steam and smoke drift upwards from his prone form, his back a writhing, fluid, mass of ridges.

She’s acutely aware that she is in danger, not least of fascination, but it’s just a fleeting thought that’s replaced as quickly as it arrived by concern for her boyfriend, but she can do little more than watch as he starts to lift himself from the bed.

She steps back involuntarily, her legs tangled in her underwear she falls with a crash and a curse. The Jonthing’s head snaps up and slowly it turns to face her.

She looks up into the twisted visage of her boyfriend looming over her and feels complete revulsion wash over her. There is nothing that she recognises; just a domino mask of pain and hunger.

She tries to scramble to her feet but her sweaty palms slip on the laminate flooring. “Please…” she starts to say but the Jonthing stops her in her tracks. Its voice is choral, as though it is not just one voice but many.

“Thank you mother.”

Candiru by Gazz Hayes is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.0 UK: England & Wales License.

Tags: B-Movie, B-Novel, campaign, Candiru, Emo, Literary Adventure 2010, writing

Technorati Claim Post – Ignore this!

AECGCAYJRJ86

Literally Literary Stuporcollider

Come one come all!

The new year beckons, and with a first post about mopey vampire movies out of the way it’s time to think bigger and better for 2010. The year when the future becomes the present (in other words it’s pretty much like every other year but with more Android phones.)

If any of you read the twitter posts of the three of us who use it (that would be Ado, Gaz and I as MutantNME, VenomandSerum and Nullh respectively) you might have heard us waffling on about the ‘Mysterious Project’, well this is that. What I aim to do is produce a chapter of a story every month of this year, and I hope my co-editors will rise to the challenge as well.

Why am I doing this? I’ll tell you why, cief. It’s because I spend all my damn time consuming media, so I’m gonna have a go at regurgitating some of that into your waiting, hungry, chirping mouths. In all likelihood whatever I write will be rubbish, but any experience is good experience, right?

So sit back, sleep a bit, have a pint and wait like a good boy for the first instalment of the horror that is the Stuporcollider Literary Adventure 2010.

Tags: Literary Adventure 2010, writing

Twi-Hard: Twilight Liveblog Edition

Howdy.

Tonight I present to you a special post, one so steeped in scientific nous and socio-political importance that it might just make you take this blog seriously. Tonight I am going to liveblog my very first watching of shiny-vamp extravaganza Twilight.

For those not in the know, Twilight was released in December 2008 and is based on the book by Stephenie Meyer. Being girlie tween fiction mixed with vampires with their shirts off the film went on to gross an estimated $70 million in its opening weekend and gained a score of 50% on Rotten Tomatoes. A sequel to the first film was released this summer, New Moon, which managed 28% at RT and a $72mil opening weekend.

Twilight has been responsible for a lot of nerd rage, and it occurs to me that there may be a lot of people who have passed judgement on the film without actually seeing it. I intend to address that fact by watching the film and scribbling internet-crayon thoughts as I do. I’ll admit at going into this with a bias towards disliking the film, I’ve watched and loved enough vampire films and books to think that watering down the horror of the vampire with a wishy washy kids love story is a bit shit.

Anyways, join me at 20:30 to begin my journey into the unknown world of tween-romance-horror-flicks.

UPDATE Spell checked!

IT BEGINS

OK, I’m in good shape having just watched the somewhat excellent Gruffalo. I have a glass of G&T, the cat is asleep and I’m settled in.

It’s starting. OOOH!
First though, washed out acid look = overused.

First line is about dying. Now a deer is dead. That’s what happens.

EXPOSITION. Also, was that that wrestler with no neck?

Monologuing about forks. Sorry, Forks. I misunderstood. Dad is chief of police. Music is like VAST on weed.

‘Charlie don’t hover.’ Also cripple is a joker. Jacob tries harder but can’t avoid having the same hair as protagonisto-lass. Fortunately this girl knows how to double de-clutch. Who still does that?

Apparently the prot is called Isobel. Aww, she’s shy! Also just beaned a dude on the head. Call her Bella (like Belladonna? Deadly nightshade? Hmm)

Wow everybody likes the new lass. New lass likes the effete, angelic types from Alasks (ARE THEY VAMPIRES? I AM NOT SURE!) They are ‘weird’ apparently, because they are pretty? Main squeeze boy looks constipated. There is now a fan with slow-mo and what looks like main squeeze vomiting.

Shot with the pretty boy with wings behind him. ART? No. Just no.

For reasons I can’t understand Bella is pissed off that everybody likes her. Rommel is a vampire.Now Bella shuns her new friends for an ill tempered boy who thinks she smells. ?

Another acid burn shot industrial scene, someone is dead. We don’t care who.Bella falls over IS THIS ALLEGORY FOR HER WHOLE LIFE? So far moping > acting.

Angry mopey guy is back. His name is Ed (or Edward). I think he is constipated, also high.

“Do you enjoy the rain” “Are you asking me about the weather?” “Yeah I guess I am” “Not really. I don’t like things wet and cold”

Acoustic guitar, close ups on eyes. Awkward silences. Talking about biology lessons. IS THIS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?

Pause for booze!

Ed is like low rent superman liek OMG. They are playing I am the Walrus backwards.

I take it back, the effete pale doctor who is obv. a vampire scares the shit out of me.

The dialogue is causing me pain. I am failing to understand why this lass is so attracted to a passive aggressive weirdo who thinks she smells. Now she’s dreaming about him. Turns out you can tell a vampire by their elaborate hair. And the posing.

“Compost is cool!” Best line yet.

Bella fell over agin. I’m thinking she’s permanently wasted.

Bella dropped her bag. I am sensing a new drinking game! Now she’s dropped an apple but Ed has saved it. Does that count?

DC and Marvel comics references at last. I can see fom this film why women end up with wife beaters, Bella seems to think that a moody guy who doesn’t tell her anything but is insanely hot is the best thing evar.

Ooh, ominous music and the history of the vamp kids. The injun kids are descended from wolves and the vamps were a rival clan who they made friends with for some reason. It’s a lot less spooky than the score would have you believe.

Vampire whore is fun. Black vampire wears a cravat. Man on boat is dead. Nobody misses him.

HINTS! Whenever the weather is nice the Cullens (Ed’s mates) don’t come out. Hmmmmm. Also Asian lass needs to eat some pies. We are trying on dresses. In a turn of acting skill Bella is as bored as I.

Drunken bigger boys. I wonder if Ed will save her?

HOLY CRAP HE DID, in his awesome car which looks to be a small Volvo which sounds like it’s had it’s engine replaced by the one from the Batmobile.

Bella to firends in front of Ed: “Yeah, I should eat something.” Pause. [snigger]

Ed doesn’t eat no ravioli, hes on an [ahem] SPECIAL DIET, nudge nudge.

Bella frustrates Ed because he allegedly can’t read her mind. “I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.” This is ROMANCE at it’s best.

Ed has cold hands.

A man is dead, let’s try to emote shall we? She almost managed to look sad. Like that time she fell down.

Old indian book talks about ‘cold ones’. Bella didn’t know what a vampire was until she googled it. Now she’s got a bigger horny pants for Ed. I hear in the sequel she dates Ed Gein and Ted Bundy simultaneously. IT’S A LAFF RIOT!

Tee-hee “You’re impossibly fast”

“I know what you are” “Say it. Out loud. Say it” “Vampire” “Are you afraid?” “No” Bah.

Ooh we get to see what Ed looks like in the sunlight. “This is why we don’t show ourselves in sunlight” He looks like david Bowie has sprayed him with body glitter. “I’m a killer” A glittery killer.

New film idea: Twilight vs. Predator. EPIC!

Ed is now showing off by running around. Bella is like a drug, interesting how he’s so pale and thin and likens her to his own personal heroin. Hmmmmmmmmm.

Overblown washed out romance scene. Ed cops a feel. Now Bella sits with a vampire who admits to killing folks in a field of flowers. They sit and stare at each other a lot. Ed is shiny again. I throw up a bit. Camera pulls out. Cue the strings!

“There are a few things I am sure about. First, Ed is a vampire” Writing genius! 4th G&T

Ed is smiling and wearing 80′s sunglasses. Some lass just said “Oh. My. God.” It’s like the Breakfast Club! But bad.

Apparently to turn a dude a vamp just has to bit them, then the ‘venom’ turns ‘em. Vamps have to stop drinking to turn them, which is hard because they love them some blood. Ed and his chums are, and I quote “vegetarian vampires” “like a man eating only tofu”

Ed has a special power to read minds. One can see the future. One can make salad out of biscuits. The other can make a noise that sounds exactly like Chewbacca. I may have made the last two up.

Ed’s house is also like an architect’s we dream. Vamps are cooking. Moodily. People are laughing! This may be the first time in the film!

Ed’s room is an Ikea catalogue. Hey; like my house! Wait, it’s tidy. Boo.

Bella has reminded us for the second time that she can’t dance. This man predicts she’ll be dancing like a fucking ballerina before the end of the film.

Ed is playing Bella piano. Invisible violins make it sound emotional.

Vampire prostitute is back!

Bit of actual drama. There are lots of veggies in this movie. Bella is dishing about Ed with her mum. Ed has broken in to listen. IT’S A PLOT TO SET UP THE BEST ‘YOUR MUM’ JOKE IN FILM HISTORY!

Fail. Instead we have heavy breathing. Oh and kissing. No sex because Ed is like the makai (bonus! Anyone who isn’t Ralph who knows where the like “You makai are all the same. One smell of pussy and you fucking lose it” gets a free slice of toast)

Dad will allow Bella to bring Ed to meet him, but he is also cleaning his shotgun. HOHOHO! Funny times. Now Bella is going to play baseball with vamps.

‘Supermassive black hole’ and vampires playing baseball during a thunderstorm. This montage is awful. Bugger me this is crap.

Yay! baddie vampires are here to break it up!

NOOOOOOOOOO! The baddie vampires are going to play too. Bella looks constipated again. At least she hasn’t dropped anything for a while.

Saved by delicious human blood. the EdBell (BellEd?) hivemind has to run away for some reason.

Aww for no real reason Bella has to be nasty to her dad so she can run away with Ed. TBH I wasn’t concentrating very hard.

OK, I’m really not sure why 2 of the three baddie vampires have to track down Bella for some reason.

Petulant blond vampire is petulant.

Bella is now Ed’s life despite only knowing her for a month or so. Vamps are wearing Bella’s clothes to keep the evil vamps off her scent, but are running down the side of the same road she’s driving down. BUH.

Deus ex machinaRandom lass who can seethe future tells us there’s at a place with mirrors. TURNS OUT IT’S WHERE BELLA TOOK BALLET LESSONS AS A SPROG. HA! This is the best writing evar.

Bella is going to meet the vampire who wants to eat her without her vampire friends. It’s OK she has her can of mace. She’s doing it so that evil vamp #1 won’t eat her mum. WHUT?

Baddie vamp #1 is filming Bella being sad. Sadly Bella’s actress has only a passing knowledge of how to look sad. Now she’s supposed to be scared but she still just looks constipated.

Baddie has just broken Bella’s leg, but she still can’t sell it. It’s OK though Ed’s here to distract us! Bella has been bit and she’s writhing in pain. I like this bit!

On the upside he’s getting leathered. On the downside now his bit of fluff is dying he’s found the ‘inner strength’ to beat the baddie. Scary vamp doctor knows Bella is dying from the ‘venom’. But it’s OK, Ed can suck out the venom! It’s been a good 3 minutes since she was bitten.

Ed is sucking on her wrist, she’s sucking her cheeks in and going cross eyed. It’s like a 5 year old pretending to be drained.

MOVING MONTAGE!

It’s not that moving because Bella isn’t dead. Despite having her femoral arery severed for 3 minutes and a fuckton of her blood sucked out by her man she’s still OK!

Bella has discovered acting! she’s still no good at it though.

Back in Forks it’s time for the prom! Ferfuck’ssake. Bella’s Indian friend is back. DO YOU THINK HE MIGHT BE A WEREWOLF? HMMM?

Prom montage! All Bella’s norm friends still like her despite her not having talked to them in ages. Bella is slow dancing with Ed. They are playing mopecore.

Bella wants to be a vamp but Ed thinks it might be a bit like marriage and tells her he thinks it wouldn’t be right in order to cover his tracks. Ed worries about Bella becoming a monster, a sparkly monster that has superpowers and for some reason never seems to have to drink blood.

Actually, they’ve never explained what the veggie vamps do eat. Was it that deer at the start? I dunno.

vampire whore is at the end when it goes all balck and white in order to add a bit of respectability. They montage black and white shorts from the film over the credits.

I have wasted 2 hours of my life on a poorly written nonsensical love story with a tacked on supernatural twist which had had it’s guts removed to make it palatable. If I’d paid for it I’d feel let down. Not an awful film, but not any good by a long chalk. Avoid unless you’re a 16 year old girl.

Tags: liveblog, movies, Neil wastes his life, Twilight