Ramblings of a wannabe writer

No, not mine.

An old chum of mine, Russ (aka @DiscoMcDisco), has just started getting people to help him finish his first novel via the wacky world of the interweb. He’s a good sort, and is probably going to show us up in our own efforts to churn out some written word. Despite that, there’s plenty of downloads and character stuff for you to read over at Ramblings of a wannabe writer.

Get to it!

Tags: friends, shameless cross promotion, writing

Cheaper Than Drugs: Fractals!

I’ve just spent about 10 minutes watching this, and now I have a serious case of ‘Guitar Hero Eye’.
I’m also giggling uncontrollably and wearing a sombrero.

See teamfresh on Vimeo for more.

For more chicanery about the Mandelbrot Set see Mr. Jonathan Coulton’s album Where Tradition Meets Tomorrow.

Shamelessly stolen from the mothership: Boing Boing.

Tags: cheaper than drugs, eye strain, maths is cool, video

This Sceptred Isle – Chapter 1

You all thought I wouldn’t do it. I know you did, don’t deny it! But I did, and I’m only a day late.

What is this? This is chapter one of a novel I’m attempting to write by publishing a chapter (or two) a month. Here I’d normally tell you what the story is about, but it’s not all planned out yet. What an adventure, eh? I CAN tell you This Sceptred Isle will be about technology, protest politics, geeks, makers and Canadians (well, probably only one Canadian). This is my first attempt at creative writing, barring Transformers slashfic (Oh, Bumblebee! was my favourite), so I need feedback. I need it now, if not yesterday!

All this stuff is going to be collected in that little link above. See it? No? Clicky here for it. You can also download this as a fancy txt file.

For your delectation I present chapter one of my attempt at writing a novel. Settle down children for This Sceptred Isle…

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Ward lay on an unfamiliar bed, staring at an unfamiliar ceiling. His friends had told him plenty of different mind hacks to overcome the jet lag, but he’d decided to ignore them and sort it out the old fashioned way; sleeping and misery. It turned out he should have listened to them.

The travel alarm clock on his bedside table hovered the digits 20:04 in green above its little plastic shell, however Ward’s body still told him it was two in the afternoon. People were still walking the corridors of the hotel and the traffic noise outside the windows hadn’t clamed down any. Giving up on the idea of sleep, Ward decided he’d try going out for something to eat and wobbled the few steps to the bathroom. The bright fluorescents sputtered into life as soon as he set foot in the bathroom, Ward groaned loudly. He hadn’t seen how the lights knew he was in the room yet but figured there must be a small passive secreted somewhere. As soon as he found it he’d introduce it to a roll of duct tape.

Ward showered, dressed and walked out the door of his room. He’d taken four steps before he realised he’d left his keycard inside. He stopped, shut his eyes, raised his head and shouted incoherently to the universe in general.

He hadn’t had a very good day. The buses, taxis and flights from Moose Jaw to London had sapped the little goodwill he had remaining, even then he wasn’t even sure why he really needed to be at the Technology Industries UK conference. It was the same old sales corporate sales pitch but he’d been asked to go along ‘To take care of any questions the geeks might have’ about their new P2P enterprise documentation system, FogUP. Admittedly he’d sat in on the planning meetings when the software was still a gleam in a designer’s eye and seen the code through to its release, but he drew the line at actually having to sell the damn thing too. But that’s how MautiSoft worked, they liked to show how ‘joined up’ and ’synergistic’ their business was. Ward had been working with them for six years and knew the difference between what impressed the suits and the people that had to implement their ‘ware and that’s the real reason they had asked him to be there. Assuaging the fears of the guy who actually had to sit down and plug FogUP into an already complex system.

—–

Stephanie had been working at the Ibis for eight weeks and was still enjoying it. She’d been in the country a lot longer as it had taken her three months to prove her fitness to work. She’d had three physical exams, two written exams and a supervised skills audit, as well as having to write her abridged life history, which had been sent back to the US to be verified before being granted a long term visa. She was glad she’d stayed the course though; she’d recently been promoted to front desk duty during the late booking out hours and prided herself on progressing so fast. She had just finished checking out an elderly Spanish couple as a young, thin man walked up to the desk. He was wearing a thin coat for this time of year, jeans and a black t-shirt all topped off with a poodle perm.

“I’ve locked myself out of my room” he said in an almost familiar nasal whine.

“Sir, that’s not possible” said Stephanie in her most helpful voice

The young man’s expression visibly darkened. She felt a little sorry for him.

“Oh, I assure you it is. Card on bed, me outside.”

“Sir, our card keys are RFID enabled. If the card is still in the room the door will not lock. There should have been an alarm to notify you as you left your room.”

“Oh” said the man, shaking his head. “Sorry about that. Epic jetlag, you know.”

He paused and looked off into space for a second. After a beat he said “So my room is unlocked right now?”

“That’s right Sir. Would you like me to call an engineer to check the status of the alarm?”

The man’s eye’s widened, his jaw dropped then he turned and ran back to the stairwell. Stephanie stood blinking as the door to the stairs slowly closed itself. She felt a little bit bad for being so glib, but she hadn’t even had a chance to ask his room number. She should get a security guard to the room to make sure everything is OK. After a couple of seconds thought she turned to the computer, deftly typing on the key membrane she pulled up a list of unlocked rooms. 217, 130, 412, boy, people were cautious around here. She checked the room numbers against the EUID they’d booked the room under. 412 and 130 were both verified IDs for the EU, whereas the resident in 217 had a different looking code. It wasn’t one she recognised, but Stephanie was sure she new the man’s accent.

Stephanie touched the icon on her terminal’s screen for the Government ID Database. The screen filled with a sparse green and blue login prompt. She filled in her ID, her passphrase and pressed her thumb to the biometric reader spot on the keypad. A second later the login screen was replaced with another equally sparse one asking for an EUID or Foreign ID. She pasted the ID for room 217 into the field and pressed submit, the screen froze for a second or two and then brought up the personal records for a Wade Matthew Everett; Age – 26; Residence – Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, Canada; Employer – MautiSoft; Previous Employer – People4Work.com; Marital Status – Single…

The list went on, but Stephanie could see that the photograph attached to the file was the same man who had just been at the front desk. His picture was getting close to expiry and his hair had changed a lot but it was clearly him. She closed the ID Database and picked SECURITY from the list of VoIP numbers at the side of her screen. She was sure nobody would have broken in, but being helpful cost nothing.

—–

Wade rushed up the carpeted stairs, funny how hotel corridors all smelt the same he thought. He arrived at the second floor panting, half through exhaustion, and half from the beating the dead tree novel in his coat pocket had given him. He heaved the fire door to the corridor open, narrowly missing an Asian man in an aggressively cut business suit and pink shirt. As he barrelled past Wade shouted an apology, but if the man replied he didn’t notice. All he could think of was his laptop. Yes it was turned off and encrypted, yes it was secured with a 150 character passphrase and biometrics and yes it was stuffed behind a pile of un-hung clothes at the back of the closet, but if that laptop was stolen he was here for a trade show with nothing to show. It would definitely cost him his job, and Wade decided it would probably end his career as a software engineer too. Word travelled fast through the professional net.

He overshot the door a little, still thinking about what to do if the laptop was missing, skidded to a halt and paced back to room 217 and tried the handle. Stupid! The door swung open and Wade surveyed the room for signs of a break in, nothing seemed out of place. Warily he entered the room and slid open the cheap closet, a few seconds of panicked rummaging produced a gloss black brick no bigger than a magazine. Wade clutched the laptop to his forehead, shut his eyes and breathed out deeply. Shortly he became aware that someone was knocking on his room’s door.

He could tell it was a security guard by the way the man stood, arms crossed, legs apart. His plain white shirt and black tie emphasised the guard’s huge build and proclaimed his function louder than any vest with SECURITY stamped across it ever could. Compared to Wade this man was a mountain.

“Hello?” said Wade. It was half question, half statement.

“Good evening Sir. We had a report from reception that there were concerns about the security of this room. I have been asked to check the accommodation and ensure there is no problem.” the guard had a thick London accent but appeared to be consciously suppressing it.

Wade, thinking back to the conversation with the clerk in the lobby, couldn’t remember telling her his room number. Still, having a security guard come by to check the room was a good idea. He made a mental note to thank the clerk later.

“Oh, well thanks, I guess” said Wade “There doesn’t seem to be anything missing.”

“You will have to provide me with some identification before I can let you continue.”

Something about the way he phrased the statement bugged Wade. Who was this man to prevent him going out, especially from his own room? What if this guy was some scammer trying to skim his ID? Wade glanced at the man’s belt and spotted his ID badge, he looked like bona fide hotel guard.

“I gave my ID at reception, haven’t you got my picture on file already?” he felt a little silly arguing with this guy, but we wasn’t going to hand over his credentials without a reason.

“I’m afraid the picture we have on file for the resident of this room does not match your appearance. UK law dictates that all identity photographs must be updated if a person’s appearance changes significantly. In these cases we have te ensure the identity of a resident with your EUID or visa in your case.”

Wade remembered the picture on his CanID; it was taken five years ago just before he’d started at MautiSoft and still wore his hair long. Long and greasy. It was amazing how a lack of income could affect your shampooing habits.

“I can see you’re trying to make sure everything is OK, but I don’t think I have to surrender my ID to you.”

The guards demeanour changed almost immediately. While he was polite but threatening before, his body language became hostile.

“I am a Police approved Warden, Sir” the guard spat the word out “and as such I am granted stop and search powers the same as any Police Officer. If you fail to verify your identity to me, I have the power to detain you until an Officer of the law arrives and places you into custody. At that time you will be fined and prosecuted if it is deemed necessary. Is that clear, Sir?”

The speech was rehearsed, they probably had little Miranda cards they handed out to these guys and this one was just waiting for a chance to use it. Wade wanted to list the stupidity on show, complain about the day he’d had and how he’d just gotten over being terrified that his laptop might have been stolen. Who was this trumped up doorman to come and tell him what to do?

“Sir, if you cannot verify your identity to me right now you will be detained.”

Wade sighed. He just wanted to get out of the hotel. He fished out a beaten leather wallet and found his Canadian ID card, along with his UK visa which translated the CanID into one the EUID systems could handle. He handed them over to the guard.

The guard scanned the card with a miniature handheld, and asked Wade for his password and thumbprint. With a perfunctory “Thank you, Sir” he headed off to the elevators. Wade closed the door, leant against it and shook his head. He felt weak, like he’d caved in under pressure. Like he’d been bullied into surrendering a tiny bit of his freedom. He found his card key on the bed, stuffed his laptop under his arm and left.

The girl who he’d spoken to before wasn’t on reception, so he left his laptop with a smiling, white shirted Indian guy manning the desk. Suppressing the urge to berate the man, he charged the cost of a safety deposit box to his Visa, making a mental note to claim it as an expense. Minutes later he was out, storming across cold, busy streets replaying his encounter with the security guard over and over.

It was more than a month until Christmas, but already lights had been strung across smaller streets and every shop or bar was playing the same Christmas songs. Wade didn’t mind so much, he hadn’t heard some of the songs before and the Christmas decorations brightened his mood, if only a little. He stopped for a strong Americano and an over priced sandwich at a coffee chain, tried to read some of the novel he was lugging around but found that he couldn’t concentrate on it. Still restless, but much calmer, he decided to go and find a way to trade his jetlag for a hangover.

—–

The George and Dragon was little more than a corridor squeezed between an Italian restaurant and a solicitor’s. The bar was made of some old, age blackened wood, heavy with bronze fittings and ran the length of the narrow pub. Wade had ensconced himself at the seat furthest from the door, keeping himself apart from the clique of regulars, nursing a warm, flat, bitter ale that was a far cry from the ‘Crisp clean taste!’ of his usual drink. Just as he was about to give up on the pint and ask for a Coke instead the door to the pub opened, bringing with it a blast of bitter cold and a figure in a thick winter coat and military gas mask.

The newcomer strode over to the last unoccupied barstool and unceremoniously dumped herself onto it. She pushed the mask up from her face, where it sat pinned to a clutch of bleached dreadlocks.

“White wine please George.”

She turned to Wade, shooting him a brilliant white smile. Offering a strong, calloused hand she said “Hello, new friend.”

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This Sceptred Isle by Neil Holmes is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-Share Alike 2.0 UK: England & Wales License.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://stuporcollider.com/this-sceptred-isle/.

Tags: This Sceptred Isle, writing

Amanda Palmer

I know Amanda Palmer is brilliant. Do you know Amanda Palmer is brilliant?

I hope you watched that and now you know Amanda Palmer is brilliant. You may also enjoy the fact that she and writer of comics, books, TV shows (and studly gent) Neil Gaiman are to be wed. Here is a photo courtesy of Coilhouse:

Yet another reason to love Amanda Palmer. For reference see also:

Tags: gratuitous picture, marriage, music, Musics What I Like

More Star Trek Beta Keys

Us chaps have been trying to get beta keys for Star Trek Online keys all over the place (because we’re giant geeks), and have ended up with a few more than we need.

Ado kindly gave out a spare a couple of days ago, but we have another two to give out. All you need to do is add a comment to this post. The first folks to comment will get the keys unless you’re one of our filthy spam posters, then we’ll continue blocking you so hard!. If you added a comment to the last beta giveaway post, sorry but we’re going to have to ask you to comment again. It’s only a few words!

I’ll be posting a quick overview of the game shortly, in the mean time it’s a birthday weekend, so drinks abound. Never fear though, I’ll get your keys out post-haste.

As a pleading side note, if you’ve managed to find us for a key please have a poke around the site and send us an email at neil[at]stuporcollider[dot]com or post a comment. We appreciate anyone who wants to join in! Good luck…

Tags: Free Star trek Online, games, Star Trek Beta, Star Trek Online, Star Trek online Beta Key, Star Trek Open Beta

Sex Robots [The Let's Keep SC Banned Edition]

Well the filter at my workplace already blocks this site for promoting hate speech I figure I’ll get all this kinda stuff out of my system. Let me tell you a story…

There once was a man called Douglas Hines who worked for Bell Labs developing AIs (I’m guessing that means those automated telephone call answer jobs) and had a very good friend. Mr. Hines very good friend had the unfortunate luck to be killed during the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center. Mr. Hines was very upset by this and vowed to maintain her personality as an AI and set about creating his memorial to a dead friend. Not wanting to leave his friend as a disembodied voice he chose to make her a body. Out of vinyl. With three different orifices. And called it Foxxxy.

I’ll lay odds on this being Chinese whispers, but did you know at the annual AVN Adult Entertainment Expo (the trade show that runs opposite CES so the journalists have something to do except look silly in 3d glasses) a company unveiled what they call a ’sex robot’? Like most horrific sex products it looks like somebody who died during drastic facial surgery and like most ‘robots’ not built by a Japanese Heavy Industry or MIT, it can’t move it’s dead, fleshy limbs and really just talks. In a weird computer voice.

They have built a plowable Steven Hawking.

With typical class Fox News (who have just hired Failin’ Pailin’) leads their article with ‘Nerds and geeks can breathe a sigh of relief: The world’s first life-size robotic girlfriend is finally here.’ As a geek and erstwhile nerd, I can safely say I will not be putting my junk anywhere near this thing. Ado might think about it though.

Plenty of spots on the internet have picked this up, and they all seem to corroborate the worrying 9/11 story. Whilst you sit and cry about how the future isn’t working out like you thought it would, see Foxxxy in action:

Pretty NSFW

Tags: hideous sex toys, robots, steven hawking, the singularity will suck

Twi-Hard: Twilight Liveblog Edition

Howdy.

Tonight I present to you a special post, one so steeped in scientific nous and socio-political importance that it might just make you take this blog seriously. Tonight I am going to liveblog my very first watching of shiny-vamp extravaganza Twilight.

For those not in the know, Twilight was released in December 2008 and is based on the book by Stephenie Meyer. Being girlie tween fiction mixed with vampires with their shirts off the film went on to gross an estimated $70 million in its opening weekend and gained a score of 50% on Rotten Tomatoes. A sequel to the first film was released this summer, New Moon, which managed 28% at RT and a $72mil opening weekend.

Twilight has been responsible for a lot of nerd rage, and it occurs to me that there may be a lot of people who have passed judgement on the film without actually seeing it. I intend to address that fact by watching the film and scribbling internet-crayon thoughts as I do. I’ll admit at going into this with a bias towards disliking the film, I’ve watched and loved enough vampire films and books to think that watering down the horror of the vampire with a wishy washy kids love story is a bit shit.

Anyways, join me at 20:30 to begin my journey into the unknown world of tween-romance-horror-flicks.

UPDATE Spell checked!

IT BEGINS

OK, I’m in good shape having just watched the somewhat excellent Gruffalo. I have a glass of G&T, the cat is asleep and I’m settled in.

It’s starting. OOOH!
First though, washed out acid look = overused.

First line is about dying. Now a deer is dead. That’s what happens.

EXPOSITION. Also, was that that wrestler with no neck?

Monologuing about forks. Sorry, Forks. I misunderstood. Dad is chief of police. Music is like VAST on weed.

‘Charlie don’t hover.’ Also cripple is a joker. Jacob tries harder but can’t avoid having the same hair as protagonisto-lass. Fortunately this girl knows how to double de-clutch. Who still does that?

Apparently the prot is called Isobel. Aww, she’s shy! Also just beaned a dude on the head. Call her Bella (like Belladonna? Deadly nightshade? Hmm)

Wow everybody likes the new lass. New lass likes the effete, angelic types from Alasks (ARE THEY VAMPIRES? I AM NOT SURE!) They are ‘weird’ apparently, because they are pretty? Main squeeze boy looks constipated. There is now a fan with slow-mo and what looks like main squeeze vomiting.

Shot with the pretty boy with wings behind him. ART? No. Just no.

For reasons I can’t understand Bella is pissed off that everybody likes her. Rommel is a vampire.Now Bella shuns her new friends for an ill tempered boy who thinks she smells. ?

Another acid burn shot industrial scene, someone is dead. We don’t care who.Bella falls over IS THIS ALLEGORY FOR HER WHOLE LIFE? So far moping > acting.

Angry mopey guy is back. His name is Ed (or Edward). I think he is constipated, also high.

“Do you enjoy the rain” “Are you asking me about the weather?” “Yeah I guess I am” “Not really. I don’t like things wet and cold”

Acoustic guitar, close ups on eyes. Awkward silences. Talking about biology lessons. IS THIS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?

Pause for booze!

Ed is like low rent superman liek OMG. They are playing I am the Walrus backwards.

I take it back, the effete pale doctor who is obv. a vampire scares the shit out of me.

The dialogue is causing me pain. I am failing to understand why this lass is so attracted to a passive aggressive weirdo who thinks she smells. Now she’s dreaming about him. Turns out you can tell a vampire by their elaborate hair. And the posing.

“Compost is cool!” Best line yet.

Bella fell over agin. I’m thinking she’s permanently wasted.

Bella dropped her bag. I am sensing a new drinking game! Now she’s dropped an apple but Ed has saved it. Does that count?

DC and Marvel comics references at last. I can see fom this film why women end up with wife beaters, Bella seems to think that a moody guy who doesn’t tell her anything but is insanely hot is the best thing evar.

Ooh, ominous music and the history of the vamp kids. The injun kids are descended from wolves and the vamps were a rival clan who they made friends with for some reason. It’s a lot less spooky than the score would have you believe.

Vampire whore is fun. Black vampire wears a cravat. Man on boat is dead. Nobody misses him.

HINTS! Whenever the weather is nice the Cullens (Ed’s mates) don’t come out. Hmmmmm. Also Asian lass needs to eat some pies. We are trying on dresses. In a turn of acting skill Bella is as bored as I.

Drunken bigger boys. I wonder if Ed will save her?

HOLY CRAP HE DID, in his awesome car which looks to be a small Volvo which sounds like it’s had it’s engine replaced by the one from the Batmobile.

Bella to firends in front of Ed: “Yeah, I should eat something.” Pause. [snigger]

Ed doesn’t eat no ravioli, hes on an [ahem] SPECIAL DIET, nudge nudge.

Bella frustrates Ed because he allegedly can’t read her mind. “I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.” This is ROMANCE at it’s best.

Ed has cold hands.

A man is dead, let’s try to emote shall we? She almost managed to look sad. Like that time she fell down.

Old indian book talks about ‘cold ones’. Bella didn’t know what a vampire was until she googled it. Now she’s got a bigger horny pants for Ed. I hear in the sequel she dates Ed Gein and Ted Bundy simultaneously. IT’S A LAFF RIOT!

Tee-hee “You’re impossibly fast”

“I know what you are” “Say it. Out loud. Say it” “Vampire” “Are you afraid?” “No” Bah.

Ooh we get to see what Ed looks like in the sunlight. “This is why we don’t show ourselves in sunlight” He looks like david Bowie has sprayed him with body glitter. “I’m a killer” A glittery killer.

New film idea: Twilight vs. Predator. EPIC!

Ed is now showing off by running around. Bella is like a drug, interesting how he’s so pale and thin and likens her to his own personal heroin. Hmmmmmmmmm.

Overblown washed out romance scene. Ed cops a feel. Now Bella sits with a vampire who admits to killing folks in a field of flowers. They sit and stare at each other a lot. Ed is shiny again. I throw up a bit. Camera pulls out. Cue the strings!

“There are a few things I am sure about. First, Ed is a vampire” Writing genius! 4th G&T

Ed is smiling and wearing 80’s sunglasses. Some lass just said “Oh. My. God.” It’s like the Breakfast Club! But bad.

Apparently to turn a dude a vamp just has to bit them, then the ‘venom’ turns ‘em. Vamps have to stop drinking to turn them, which is hard because they love them some blood. Ed and his chums are, and I quote “vegetarian vampires” “like a man eating only tofu”

Ed has a special power to read minds. One can see the future. One can make salad out of biscuits. The other can make a noise that sounds exactly like Chewbacca. I may have made the last two up.

Ed’s house is also like an architect’s we dream. Vamps are cooking. Moodily. People are laughing! This may be the first time in the film!

Ed’s room is an Ikea catalogue. Hey; like my house! Wait, it’s tidy. Boo.

Bella has reminded us for the second time that she can’t dance. This man predicts she’ll be dancing like a fucking ballerina before the end of the film.

Ed is playing Bella piano. Invisible violins make it sound emotional.

Vampire prostitute is back!

Bit of actual drama. There are lots of veggies in this movie. Bella is dishing about Ed with her mum. Ed has broken in to listen. IT’S A PLOT TO SET UP THE BEST ‘YOUR MUM’ JOKE IN FILM HISTORY!

Fail. Instead we have heavy breathing. Oh and kissing. No sex because Ed is like the makai (bonus! Anyone who isn’t Ralph who knows where the like “You makai are all the same. One smell of pussy and you fucking lose it” gets a free slice of toast)

Dad will allow Bella to bring Ed to meet him, but he is also cleaning his shotgun. HOHOHO! Funny times. Now Bella is going to play baseball with vamps.

‘Supermassive black hole’ and vampires playing baseball during a thunderstorm. This montage is awful. Bugger me this is crap.

Yay! baddie vampires are here to break it up!

NOOOOOOOOOO! The baddie vampires are going to play too. Bella looks constipated again. At least she hasn’t dropped anything for a while.

Saved by delicious human blood. the EdBell (BellEd?) hivemind has to run away for some reason.

Aww for no real reason Bella has to be nasty to her dad so she can run away with Ed. TBH I wasn’t concentrating very hard.

OK, I’m really not sure why 2 of the three baddie vampires have to track down Bella for some reason.

Petulant blond vampire is petulant.

Bella is now Ed’s life despite only knowing her for a month or so. Vamps are wearing Bella’s clothes to keep the evil vamps off her scent, but are running down the side of the same road she’s driving down. BUH.

Deus ex machinaRandom lass who can seethe future tells us there’s at a place with mirrors. TURNS OUT IT’S WHERE BELLA TOOK BALLET LESSONS AS A SPROG. HA! This is the best writing evar.

Bella is going to meet the vampire who wants to eat her without her vampire friends. It’s OK she has her can of mace. She’s doing it so that evil vamp #1 won’t eat her mum. WHUT?

Baddie vamp #1 is filming Bella being sad. Sadly Bella’s actress has only a passing knowledge of how to look sad. Now she’s supposed to be scared but she still just looks constipated.

Baddie has just broken Bella’s leg, but she still can’t sell it. It’s OK though Ed’s here to distract us! Bella has been bit and she’s writhing in pain. I like this bit!

On the upside he’s getting leathered. On the downside now his bit of fluff is dying he’s found the ‘inner strength’ to beat the baddie. Scary vamp doctor knows Bella is dying from the ‘venom’. But it’s OK, Ed can suck out the venom! It’s been a good 3 minutes since she was bitten.

Ed is sucking on her wrist, she’s sucking her cheeks in and going cross eyed. It’s like a 5 year old pretending to be drained.

MOVING MONTAGE!

It’s not that moving because Bella isn’t dead. Despite having her femoral arery severed for 3 minutes and a fuckton of her blood sucked out by her man she’s still OK!

Bella has discovered acting! she’s still no good at it though.

Back in Forks it’s time for the prom! Ferfuck’ssake. Bella’s Indian friend is back. DO YOU THINK HE MIGHT BE A WEREWOLF? HMMM?

Prom montage! All Bella’s norm friends still like her despite her not having talked to them in ages. Bella is slow dancing with Ed. They are playing mopecore.

Bella wants to be a vamp but Ed thinks it might be a bit like marriage and tells her he thinks it wouldn’t be right in order to cover his tracks. Ed worries about Bella becoming a monster, a sparkly monster that has superpowers and for some reason never seems to have to drink blood.

Actually, they’ve never explained what the veggie vamps do eat. Was it that deer at the start? I dunno.

vampire whore is at the end when it goes all balck and white in order to add a bit of respectability. They montage black and white shorts from the film over the credits.

I have wasted 2 hours of my life on a poorly written nonsensical love story with a tacked on supernatural twist which had had it’s guts removed to make it palatable. If I’d paid for it I’d feel let down. Not an awful film, but not any good by a long chalk. Avoid unless you’re a 16 year old girl.

Tags: liveblog, movies, Neil wastes his life, Twilight

It Is Now Xmas Appropriate Time (Star Wars Christmas Special Liveblog Edition)

I am lifting the Angry Internet Man ban on premature Xmas jolliment. From today on Xmas is acceptable. We shall start with the modern classic The Star Wars Holiday Special.

Itchy and Lumpy wish you a happy Life Day (so does Art Carney)…

Bugger me, Grandpa Itchy freaks me the hell out.

UPDATE
Mark Hamill’s eye makup is scarier.
UPDATE UPDATE
‘You may say she made it by Hand. Solo.’
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
Stir whip stir whip whip whip stir
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
32:22 – W.T.F. Is Grandpa Itchy watching porn or is it me?
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38:17 – ACT CARRIE FISHER, ACT!
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42:20 – Look for the union label song. YAY!
Also; MERRY CHRISTMAS DADDY, I BOUGHT YOU A SHIT COLOURED BAKELITE PHONE BECAUSE I HATE YOU
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
45:07 – I think he’s a baddie
47:03 – These THINGS have no respect for authority!
48:40 – JEFFERSON STARSHIP! This is the best Christmas special evar!
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56:08 – Cartoon. Looks like it was made by the guys that did Heavy Metal. MOAR BOOBS!
59:11 – Boba Fett! ‘I know this sleeping virus’. P.s. Great mince that guy has
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
1:11:00 – That stuffed bantha. I must make love to it! Oops!
1:15:30 – Circuit breaker moduuuuuuullllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
1:19:18 – Bald eagles and Whirlpool appliances. PATRIOTISM!
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1:20:16 – Cantina band feat. the Greedo that shot first
1:27:24 – I’ve been to WMCs like this
1:28:20 – OLD LADY SINGING! NO! THIS IS THE WORST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL EVAR!
1:32:50 – Singing over. Huzzah!
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1:34:00 – Drama is happening
1:34:10 – 80’s adbreak. ‘Clothes that deserve a second look, a second look deserve Woolite’. ‘Real panties in our pantie hose’.
I am confused by stripping air hostesses having a ‘layover’
Holy fuck The Wiz! I was in that at school
1:37:50 – Drama reccomences
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1:38:35 – Wilhelm scream
1:39:39 – Why has Han said more to Chewie’s wife than Chewie has? Hmmmmmm
1:40:55 – HOT WOOKIE SEX
1:41:14 – Right in front of the kid and freaky looking grandpa!
1:41:17 – Ahhh, coitus interruptus
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1:44:23 – I don’t know what’s happening either
1:44:43 – Impromptu Bohemian Rhapsody. Makes sense
1:45:02 – Also LSD
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1:47:22 – And we’re back!
1:48:00 – Happy life day! Why are you all in red? Is this some kind of cult?
1:49:05 – SING CARRIE FISHER, FUCKING SING!
1:50:26 – CARRIE FISHER STILL FUCKING SINGING! Hit that high note!
1:51:00 – Inappropriate Star Wars music!
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1:52:10 – Done!
1:53:00 – Wait! Still time to sell the toys!
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1:54:30 – Still stretching it out. HOW? WHY?
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1:55:41 – Thank buggery fuck that’s done. See you again next Life Day(TM)!

Tags: George Lucas rapes your face, star wars, video, Xmas

Job Vacancies Through Email [Spamfilter]

Based on True Events:

From: Jason Bytheway
Sent: 23 October 2008 14:53
To: Neil Holmes
Subject: FW: Best Vacancy!

Hey Neil!

Just got this – what you think?!!

—–Original Message—–

From: The Russian Mafia [mailto:iwanttodie@scammocorp.ru]

Sent: 23 October 2008 14:43

To: Jason Bytheway

Subject: Bestest Vacancy Ever!

Have you got your own clown nose and baggy pants?

Have you ever been hit in the face by a flan and liked it?

Do you have 3 hours a week to spare and no dignity?

We are a growing circus group looking for open-minded freelance Street Entertainers. If you have more spare time than you should, a passion to horrify entertain and have no sense of self worth you could be earning up to 300 GBp (Great British pence) per hour!

If you are interested, mail iwanttodie@scammocorp.ru

Best regards,

The Russian Mafia

Tags: clowns are shells of real people, email, jobs, random, spamfilter

Dental Appointment

I have a dentist’s appointment today at 2:30pm.
2:30!
You can’t make this shit up.

Tags: crap jokes