On Being a Weak Ass Foreigner

Ahh, the fun of Xbox Live. So many gamers to meet and play with in the spirit of cooperation and having fun; but this story is not about that.

I like to play Gears of War 2 online. I like playing as a giant tank of a thing that can somehow compress my body mass down to nothing. I like having a gun with a chainsaw on it. I like playing Horde mode where a bunch of guys team up against waves of baddies. But tonight I decided to venture into the player versus player lands; I suck very hard at it, but I have a good time and I’ve chatted to some genuinely nice people while playing. This time however I fell foul of the old trap that is the Thoroughly Wasted American Teen.

If you’re not familiar with Gears 2, the matchmaking is a little wonky. Ideally you’ll be matched with players of a similar skill, but that seems to be broken at the moment. Signing up to a game of King of the Hill I was paired with a team of one-bar newbies, meaning none of us had been playing very long. There were four of us, the one more experienced player had quit the match in short order leaving us squared up against five experienced players. I don’t mind playing against people who are better than me, I like to think I have that much humility.

Like four bound PoWs we watched as our fate was decided, it was then that WyteDro decided that we weren’t worth his precious game time and attempted to make us quit. Mr. Dro was on the opposite side, and from his profile looked to be a bit of an obsessive. He began his hissy fit with an incomprehensible jumble of Live’s 3 favourite words. Daunted by this tantrum-level tirade another two of my team left the lobby. Not to be dissuaded only one whos’e name I’ve now forgotten and myself remained to face this child and his mute cronies; in retrospect I believe they were quiet out of shame.

“Quit you weak-ass bitches, quit already,” was the first sentence that young WyteDro managed to chain together. I did not quit, nor did my colleague.
“Fawking weak-ass bitches quit already” just in case we hadn’t heard. Still we did not leave the match, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching Supernanny is that it’s best to deal with such problems head on. Biting my tongue I sat and waited for the match to start, but that apparently was not good enough.
“Fawking matched up against fawking weak bitch ass pussy faggots” our friend managed to spout forth, reaching into the depths of his grammar parser. I kid you not.

By this point I was in stitches. I had landed on the goldmine; the one person who can stereotype a whole subset of Live users. I had seen the depths of filth that Live can offer and all I could do was laugh.
“What an erudite explaination of events friend, thank you!” I intoned into my headset. Immediately the reply came.
“Fawk you, you fawking pussy ass foreigner”

That was it, I was broken. It was the vitriol in the guy’s voice, like he believed he was his bulky testosterone-and-steroid abusing avatar. I sat and giggled into my headset. I think he said more but I’m sorry to say that I had stopped concentrating at that point.

It was then that the match began. As I spawned I noticed that the one man left on my team had gone. I understood the futility of carrying on, sure I could mute Dro but where’s the fun in having my ass handed to me by 5 experienced players? I quit and did my duty to my fellow gamers by filing a complaint. While I was doing so I decided to check out the profile of this pinnacle of idiocity; his motto was ‘Wanna buy my dope?’ Smashing. Sensing blood in the water I had a peek at his public profile too:

“Look I’m white I just wanna puff puff pass I dont want to hear you get butthurt so keep your weak emotions 2 yourself no1 cares its a game so what if you call bs deal with it remember its a game its not REAL oh yeah wytecurtis is my myspace url so you can find out how sexy nice I’am”

From his mannerisms I thought he’d be some football player, a manly man, so I found his myspace page. Curtis: you lose at the internet. 19 year olds should spend more time figuring out how to use punctuation and not trying so very hard to be the most steretypical white young american fool.

Tags: 3 words, games, online, steretype, white trash, xbox, xbox live